The Politics of Abandonment
The politics of abandonment is a deep-rooted issue for me. As a child, I dreaded Father’s Day, this feeling remained with me as an adult, and I carry this viewpoint as a single parent raising a son who is now a third-generation recipient of this nocuous cycle.
My mother experienced abandonment from her both her biological father as well as her stepfather. I encountered abandonment from my father, and now my son is enduring it from his father.
How do I break this cycle?
On Saturday, the feeling of nervousness entered my psyche as I thought about how I could create a distraction for both my son and I. I took him to a Caribbean Festival on the park (which I will write about later) and I made the decision that we were not going to attend church because I didn’t want to deal with the overt acknowledgement and fanfare of something we both have not experienced and do not connect with.
I asked him what he wanted to do on Sunday? He stated that he wanted to work out together. I then asked him if he desired to see a movie and he was all in. I determined that this may in fact become our new tradition. After the movie, I asked him if he would like me to prepare his favorite meal, baked ziti with shrimp—heavy on the cheese, and garlic bread? With a resounding yes and a great big smile, we headed to the grocery store. When we got home, he asked for a bubble bath—today is a wash day for his hair anyway, so I obliged.
What am I teaching him? Besides self-care, I am attempting to impart that on this day, when he is a dad, that this day is about him and taking care of his wants which includes self-care and spending quality time with the people who he wants to be with, in his sacred space—on his terms.
Capacity:
Since we didn’t attend church, I live streamed The Potters House and Bishop Jakes’ message was about “Capacity.” What I realized is that having a child with someone that doesn’t have the capacity to be a parent is an awful, heartbreaking, and often frustrating experience for both the parent who is holding it down, shouldering everything, emotionally, physically, and financially but most importantly the child who has to deal with feelings of neglect, emotionally and physically and the self-blaming in terms of abandonment, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, mental health issues, and also how this trauma can affect them as adults in their relationships. We have too many unhealed, unhealthy, and toxic men who are dating and/or in relationships who have never addressed their childhood traumas and end up wrecking their partners and families due to some of their unresolved issues from childhood as it pertains to their parents.
Discoveries in Therapy:
What I am discovering in my therapy sessions addressing both mother and father wounds, I am also navigating my fears of parenting a male child alone. I am learning to understand my “father wounds” as a woman but there is a difference when it relates to men. Men also experience negative impact and consequences which leads to emotional and psychological pain and trauma which manifests as emotional unavailability (I hear the women clapping!) and distance. Many men also struggle with self-worth and identity. The literature states that this is the result of “unmet needs during childhood” from parents.
What my therapist says:
When I shared my feelings about this with my therapist and how I avoid conversations with my son about his absentee father, she said, “what if he is OK with everything because you are doing an amazing job, and he doesn’t miss what he doesn’t have because you’re providing the things that he needs.” This did offer some comfort but of course, I am still unable to accept this because I think about what the literature says, my experience with this with my own father, and the effects of dating men with unhealed trauma due to unresolved “father wounds.”
What I am doing to counter the consequences of father absenteeism:
Knowing all this information and my own personal fears, I decided to enroll my son in basketball and football, sign him up for a Big Brother with the Big Brother Big Sister Program, teach him how to have empathy, how to communicate effectively, the importance of emotional intelligence, and how to redirect his anger through breathing exercises and various movement experiences. But is this enough?
Final Thoughts
I do see the wonderful relationships children and adults have with their fathers and it is beautiful. Sadly, it is something that I have never experienced but I pray that this is not my son’s story and that he can read this reflection to his children and break the cycle of abandonment.
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